Through the Eyes of a Child

Through the Eyes of a Child

Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” Matthew 19:14

In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus, Philippians 2:5

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Colossians 3:12

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3:13

When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. Proverbs 11:2

...to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and always to be gentle toward everyone. Titus 3:2

Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. Ephesians 4:3

Here I am in my passport country. I made it. I have been stateside 16 days now. To say the adjustment has been challenging is a vast understatement. My first couple days was very busy, which helped flip my body clock's sense of day and night. Everything (yes I mean EVERYTHING) feels like an assault to my senses. 

I was low-key interrogated in customs; it took over an hour to get through. The air is crisp and fresh--and COLD (I live on the equator). I hear one (no-accent) language being spoken, and I understand every word. I can read all the signs and billboards. I recognize roads, landmarks, places. So it should feel like "home," right? 

No. The price of a pizza here is equivalent to a monthly electric bill where I live--and that's IF I use the AC all day, every day. People here waste more food in one day than some families I know hope to eat in one week. There is a lot of traffic...but drivers show no courtesy, plus they are on the opposite [wrong] side of the road. I can go into a church, sit through the service, the "greet each other" time, and walk out afterward without a single person speaking to me. But aren't I happy to be "home?"     

No. I had my days roughly planned out to ensure I would spend plenty of time with my grandsons, while just resting and adjusting. My typical day to day involves a lot of online work, a lot of interacting in a different language, and with mainly adults. The only child I interact with regularly is just now beginning to say words. Spending time with my three, precious grands is so wonderful. However, my introvert is majorly overloaded. They talk a LOT. They talk FAST. They are speaking English, but sometimes I still have to strain to understand what they are saying. I know my "concentration" face appears to be a "mad" face, so I am trying to set aside any stress or lack of understanding that may be clouding my facial expression. It is hard work!

I have been staying in (what used to be) my mom's apartment. There is a scent that reminds me of her and our sweet fur baby, Cleopatra. That is all that is left of her there. Everything has been rearranged, changed, piled up in storage. She, and everything about her has been all but erased from the space. There's a poster-size photo of her from her memorial, some artwork she loved, and her ashes in a box on a shelf. No mom. No Cleo. No warmth. "Home?" 

No. I have observed my grandsons interactions with each other through the lens of seeing the world "as a child." Jesus said the Kingdom of Heaven belongs those who would be as children. The photos above show my youngest's quick sketch of me. What does he see? My head, glasses, hair, eyes, mouth, and necklace. Those are the parts he saw and considered important to draw. Does the sketch look like me? Actually, yes it does. I'm not sure it would pass as one to be used in a line-up, but yes!

Along with all of the above, I have had some extremely challenging emotions to process since I've been stateside. Here are just the major ones:  

1. Re-entry (regardless how brief it will be)

2. Grief (Mom's only been gone 1.5 years, she was my 'person,' and I'm sleeping in the [VERY much changed] space where she [AND our fur baby] lived and died.

3. My 4th day stateside, my Nanna died (Mom's mom).

4. My grands shared their virus with me, and I have been quite sick for 1/2 the time I've been here.

5. I exist here under the incredibly heavy expectation to be basically normal, healthy. 

I am barely over 2 weeks in. I have what feels like a LONG time to go. While I know that no place on earth will feel like home--especially since mom went to Jesus--I do have the privilege of spending the next week in a different place. I have felt more at home since I arrived in this house than during the entirety of my time stateside. The calm and peace is overwhelming. This will be an ideal location for my prayer/fasting time. He always provides!   

I want to see the most important things. I want to view this entire experience "Through the Eyes of a Child." I want to be that child, sitting at the feet of Jesus, listening to His wisdom. Deeply soaking in His grace. His mercy. His kindness. His SPIRIT. I just want to clearly see what, in all of this, does He find important? How can I make sense of this to sketch it out? What lessons does He want me to learn? How is He stretching and growing me? 

I will trust His timing. I have the next 7 days slated for prayer, fasting, and asking Him to guard my soul.

 God is sheer mercy and grace;

not easily angered, he’s rich in love.

He doesn’t endlessly nag and scold

nor hold grudges forever.

He doesn’t treat us as our sins deserve

nor pay us back in full for our wrongs.

As high as heaven is over the earth

so strong is his love to those who fear him.

And as far as sunrise is from sunset

he has separated us from our sins.

As parents feel for their children

God feels for those who fear him.

Psalm 103: 8-13

  

When it Hurts the Most

 I am seeing a trend where I only show up here when my cup full of emotions is overflowing and there is not a soul on earth I am willing to verbally process with. 

What does that say about me? 

My inner circle is very small....or perhaps non-existent.

Self preservation has led me to be extremely cautious about who I "let in." Through the years, occasionally I have let my guard down and invited someone inside. Inevitably their actions and/or inactions, words and/or silence, blatant and/or intentional lack of consideration rips me apart. My heart actually, physically aches. This has been my entire life's theme. 

Yet, in the center of my rough & tough exterior is a big wad of mushy, very intense feelings. Every perceived offense, intentioned or absentminded, leads me to want to strengthen that exterior until it's impermeable. 

Do I realize that is not healthy? Of course. 

Does that change my knee-jerk desire to do it? No. 

Does that knowledge decrease the amount of pain I feel? Not one bit. 

However, self-awareness is important. This is the first step to "taking every thought captive to obey Christ." As I have been striving to 'think about what I'm thinking about,' I realize that, at times, my thoughts and feelings are taking me captive instead. I am too swift to react rather than to contemplate and respond. This is particularly evident when I am feeling a lot. 

Among my unregulated, knee-jerk reactions: 1) complete silence, 2) biting sarcasm, 3) distancing from the perceived offender, and 4) over analyzing. In addition to the previously mentioned actual, physical heart pain, I often end up with an intractable migraine + vomiting.

In writing this, it strikes me that people who don't know me might have the impression that I am a wildly reactive, feeler. No. That is not accurate. In fact, those folks are the bane of my existence. At the very least, they are a great puzzle to me. Perhaps that is among the reasons I have endeavored to avoid becoming one. 

Which came first? Repetitive emotional trauma or a distaste for dramatic reactions to things I consider petty? Only God knows. 

To be continued....

The First Mother's Day

(Translation: Happy Mother's Day) 

Yes. Where I live, today is Mother's Day.

I was driving with a friend to a government office to get my car licensed on May 14th this year - Mother's Day in the U.S..  I said, "Today is Mother's day where I'm from!" She told me in this country there is no Father's day, but since Moms are so special, there is a Mother's day; it's December 21. I told her, "So that just means I get to celebrate my Mom twice a year!" 

I had no idea that would be the last time I'd ever get to tell my Mom how much I cherished her on a day made just for Moms. 

I've read that all the "firsts" are tough. That proved true when I was at Changi airport again. When I went back to Benan. When I passed the "Welcome to Batam" sign. When I crossed Barelang bridge again. Went back to Grand Mall. When I zombie-walked through Thanksgiving. When I joined friends for a "Thanksmas" celebration. My heart is still not ready to "celebrate" anything. 

So, today is another first without her. Mother's day here. In four days, it will be my first Christmas since she left this earth. Five years ago, she and I traveled to Cancun for Christmas. We had so, so much fun traveling together. She was my best travel buddy. The next trip we were planning together is coming up in January - just a couple weeks. I will have to take that trip without her; though she holds a huge space in my heart and I will always carry her with me. Obviously, it is not the same.

Me & Mom Cancun-4-Christmas 2018

Dearest Mom, 

Happy Mother's Day in Paradise! Oh how I wish I could video call you and see your beautiful face, hear your sweet voice, talk to Cleo while she ignores me, and tell you that I love you second most. My heart aches for you. 

What keeps me sane is knowing that our Lord is loving you so much better than I ever could. He truly does love you most, and He just couldn't wait another day to hold you in His loving arms. I will do my best to get through these holidays with some smiles. 

Oh how I miss you. 

Always ~ Ang 

100 Days

Dearest Mom, 

In about an hour, it will be the 100th day since you went home to Jesus. You know, it's also Milton's birthday...and the day before Norvin's. We are just a family full of one-offs! 

Here, where I live, people have a big celebration on the 100th day after someone leaves the earth. The thought of celebrating turns my stomach. When I see other people doing all the "fun" things...it's almost irritating. It's not that I want anyone to suffer. It just feels like when you left, my joy disappeared and hasn't come back yet. It's hard mom. Sometimes the pain overwhelms every ounce of me. There is so much tension between being beyond happy for you because you're in the arms of Jesus, yet also feeling the deepest devastation of knowing that I won't have another earthly moment beside you. 

I know you are in Paradise. I know that you are whole and pain free. I know you are in His presence. 

I know that is a reason to celebrate, but....

How can I when I also know....

No more road trips...or travel of any type together. 

No more holding hands. 

No more 3am phone calls.

No more hugs. 

No more kisses. 

No more of your playful little pinches. 

No more playing games. 

No more sharing fresh coconuts. 

I will lament, mom. 

If He wakes me up again tomorrow, I will praise our faithful Father and ask Him to let me feel a bit of joy on your 100th day with Him. 

Oh mom, I miss you so. 

 

Sleep Deprived....Again

November 2. Today I will be grateful for this blog. It's been here all these years, patiently waiting for me to come back to it. No rush, no pressure.  

The first day I ever posted here: March 12, 2010

What did I say? 

This: 

Sleep Deprived

So.....I worked last night from 7pm to 7am, then I went home, packed some stuff & drove to Spokane to visit Mom & Nanna. I have travelled that road SO many times in my youth...but I never appreciated the magnificence of it. It is truly amazing to see what God created with simply a word. I am so blessed to have the opportunity to explore the many wonders He placed here for all to see. How can anyone deny our powerful Creator?

Who could have imagined that in September of 2021, I would go to Spokane and visit my Nanna for the last time? 

Who could have imagined that on March 12, 2023 (12 years after that post), I would be living overseas & mom would travel here to visit me; The last time either of us would travel to be together this side of Heaven. 

Who could have imagined how much sadness one heart can hold. How deep that sorrow can burrow in. How much I could miss one tiny, precious woman. 

So, here I am. Sleep deprived again but for a whole different reason. And still proclaiming the glory and awe of our powerful Creator. 

Isn't it Ironic

Oh the irony. 

The last time I posted, I shared a painting I did of my Nanna. A beautiful woman who was taken from us, yet she is still living. Today I return to this blog to browse and decide whether I want to pick up where I left off and continue writing here, or whether I want to just begin again. 

Why? 

My world has been rocked harder than I thought possible. I am struggling deeply. I am alone. I need an outlet and as strange as it feels, I am drawn to share it in a more public manner than just writing in my journals. Maybe it's a cry for help? Every single day I long to have meaningful conversation with people who.....who "get" me. Who understand what I am experiencing emotionally. Who I can be myself with. Who won't judge me. Who I can verbally process with. Who I can sit silently with. 

Who? Who are those people? Do they even exist? Who checks the boxes? Jesus. 

For now, I will ask Him if He would have me write here or begin a fresh, new blog to document the LONG journey ahead. Or should I even write at all? The fog is thick. Every decision I make is tainted by the deepest grief. 

For now, I'll do what I came here for today. To post my most recent painting. A portrait of a beautiful woman. The daughter of the woman in my previous post. A portrait of my sweet, sweet mother. My "go-to" person who checked all the boxes. Who I could talk to about anything, anytime. Who was the first person I wanted to share everything with. Who never judged me. Who never said things to try to hurt me. Who loved me no matter what. Who loved me the most. Jesus took her the day after my birthday. Oh how I miss her. 

My Beautiful Mom

February 13, 1950-August 7, 2023

All about Perception

Perception. 

Noun: the act or faculty of perceiving, or apprehending by means of the senses or of the mind; cognition; understanding. (dictionary.com)

But it's not simply the fact that you receive something via your senses. 

It's the way you do it. 

It's the way you react to what you perceive.

Our individual experiences are vastly different. Many, many factors influence the way we digest the world. Location, family dynamics, economic status, and life experiences to name a few. Something that appears "this" way to one person , will appear a different way to another. 

For example: a 16 ounce bottle of clean, clear water may seem perfectly ordinary to me...but to a parched child in Nigeria it's a precious commodity. Yes, that is an extreme example. (A very real and current global issue; but that's for another discussion.) 

Another, longer, more relate-able illustration: Recently, someone I know (I'll call him 'Joe') was telling me about the time his wife was in the hospital to have an emergency procedure. She had to spend the night, and she was in a lot of pain. Naturally, as her husband, he wanted her to feel better ASAP! Apparently she did not have any pain medication orders on her chart, other than what had already been given. Joe had asked the nurse to contact the  "on-call" doctor during the night to get more or different medicine, but it barely scratched the surface of her pain. When the doctor came through in the morning to see her, he told her (and 'Joe') that he would put an order in for a different, additional pain medicine.  'Joe' said, "The nurse that shift was awful. It took FOREVER for her to bring the medicine, so long that I had to go to the nurse's desk and demand that she bring it now." 'Joe' said she him that she had just gotten the order and was retrieving the medicine when he got to the desk, but he was skeptical. Being an inquisitive woman, (and a nurse) I had to ask, "How long did you have to wait?" I expected him to tell me it was an hour or more. It was 20 minutes. Twenty. minutes. 

A tidbit of background: 'Joe' knows how hospitals are supposed to work, because he has worked in hospital administration (as CEO, administrator, consultant, etc) for as long as I can remember. I also know how hospitals are supposed to work, because I have been a nurse for 25 years.  

In just this scenario, there are several "layers" affecting the perception of people.

1. 'Joe': believes that 20 minutes was much too long for my aunt to wait for her pain medication. After all, he was there when the doctor said he was ordering the medicine. His perception is that the nurse is not concerned about his wife's pain, therefore she's being slow, the doctors didn't collaborate properly.
2. The doctor: oblivious (per 'Joe') that his patient had been hurting all night, because he had not been on-call the night before. He walked into his patient's room to find a woman in agony and her irritated husband. He quickly promised to handle it by writing an order. His (possible) perceptions: the on-call doc ordered the wrong med, the nurse didn't handle the situation appropriately, my patient's husband is over-reacting. 
3. The nurse: quickly following a specific protocol involving receiving and verifying a new order, then pulling the medication, and taking it to her patient. This demanding man standing at the desk is making it difficult to do her job effectively. Her (possible) perceptions: I just received this order, along with 5 others. I am processing this one first. I am moving as fast as I can, what does this man expect?, the night nurse should have handled this differently, the doctor should have ordered more or a different med.
4. Joe's wife: experiencing pain that, so far, has not been managed well by medications. To her, a minute feels like an hour. That 20 minute wait seemed like an eternity. She sees 'Joe' as her hero, and a man who can get things done!! Her perceptions: My husband is the best, I wouldn't have gotten what I need if he wasn't here, the nurses are slow and not concerned about my pain, the doctor ordered the wrong medication. 
5. Me: an outsider, hearing the account from 'Joe', after the fact. I was not present, nor am I aware of which hospital she was in. Since I am a nurse, I can empathize with the doctor and nurse providing care. Since I have been a patient, and have experienced severe pain, I can sympathize with 'Joe' & his wife.  My perceptions: The doctor was following a specific cascade for pain medications, beginning with an effective med (not the strongest), then advancing in strength as needed. The nurse was lightning fast getting the med out, considering the fact that she's probably got 4-6 other patients, and since the doc just made rounds, she probably has orders to process on all of them. 'Joe's wife was in pain (and medicated), therefore, she was confused about the passage of time, 'Joe' was anxious because his wife was in pain. He was also being impatient because (whether conscious or not) he expects a certain level of professional "favoritism". 

This is just one situation, and (other than mine) these are speculative perceptions. 

Regardless, some of the take-away ideas are the same: 

Your perception may or may not be correct. (the nurse cared a lot about her patient, in fact, she processed her medication order first.)

Before you react, you should be sure you have ALL of the information. (if 'Joe' had known the nurse was about to come down the hall with the med, he may not have been demanding.)

Consider all the players' feelings and possible perceptions before you make a judgement. (Understand that pain creates a skewed sense of time. Know that 'Joe' isn't a demanding man, but seeing a loved one in pain creates anxiety. Realize the nurse has to follow a process, and she is not intentionally being slow because she doesn't care.)

Since you do have all those senses with which to receive and process situations...use them! Before you react, contemplate every piece of information surrounding the occurrence you're about to react to. Put yourself in someone else's place. Feel what they feel. 

Act accordingly.