Through the Eyes of a Child

Through the Eyes of a Child

Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” Matthew 19:14

In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus, Philippians 2:5

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Colossians 3:12

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3:13

When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. Proverbs 11:2

...to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and always to be gentle toward everyone. Titus 3:2

Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. Ephesians 4:3

Here I am in my passport country. I made it. I have been stateside 16 days now. To say the adjustment has been challenging is a vast understatement. My first couple days was very busy, which helped flip my body clock's sense of day and night. Everything (yes I mean EVERYTHING) feels like an assault to my senses. 

I was low-key interrogated in customs; it took over an hour to get through. The air is crisp and fresh--and COLD (I live on the equator). I hear one (no-accent) language being spoken, and I understand every word. I can read all the signs and billboards. I recognize roads, landmarks, places. So it should feel like "home," right? 

No. The price of a pizza here is equivalent to a monthly electric bill where I live--and that's IF I use the AC all day, every day. People here waste more food in one day than some families I know hope to eat in one week. There is a lot of traffic...but drivers show no courtesy, plus they are on the opposite [wrong] side of the road. I can go into a church, sit through the service, the "greet each other" time, and walk out afterward without a single person speaking to me. But aren't I happy to be "home?"     

No. I had my days roughly planned out to ensure I would spend plenty of time with my grandsons, while just resting and adjusting. My typical day to day involves a lot of online work, a lot of interacting in a different language, and with mainly adults. The only child I interact with regularly is just now beginning to say words. Spending time with my three, precious grands is so wonderful. However, my introvert is majorly overloaded. They talk a LOT. They talk FAST. They are speaking English, but sometimes I still have to strain to understand what they are saying. I know my "concentration" face appears to be a "mad" face, so I am trying to set aside any stress or lack of understanding that may be clouding my facial expression. It is hard work!

I have been staying in (what used to be) my mom's apartment. There is a scent that reminds me of her and our sweet fur baby, Cleopatra. That is all that is left of her there. Everything has been rearranged, changed, piled up in storage. She, and everything about her has been all but erased from the space. There's a poster-size photo of her from her memorial, some artwork she loved, and her ashes in a box on a shelf. No mom. No Cleo. No warmth. "Home?" 

No. I have observed my grandsons interactions with each other through the lens of seeing the world "as a child." Jesus said the Kingdom of Heaven belongs those who would be as children. The photos above show my youngest's quick sketch of me. What does he see? My head, glasses, hair, eyes, mouth, and necklace. Those are the parts he saw and considered important to draw. Does the sketch look like me? Actually, yes it does. I'm not sure it would pass as one to be used in a line-up, but yes!

Along with all of the above, I have had some extremely challenging emotions to process since I've been stateside. Here are just the major ones:  

1. Re-entry (regardless how brief it will be)

2. Grief (Mom's only been gone 1.5 years, she was my 'person,' and I'm sleeping in the [VERY much changed] space where she [AND our fur baby] lived and died.

3. My 4th day stateside, my Nanna died (Mom's mom).

4. My grands shared their virus with me, and I have been quite sick for 1/2 the time I've been here.

5. I exist here under the incredibly heavy expectation to be basically normal, healthy. 

I am barely over 2 weeks in. I have what feels like a LONG time to go. While I know that no place on earth will feel like home--especially since mom went to Jesus--I do have the privilege of spending the next week in a different place. I have felt more at home since I arrived in this house than during the entirety of my time stateside. The calm and peace is overwhelming. This will be an ideal location for my prayer/fasting time. He always provides!   

I want to see the most important things. I want to view this entire experience "Through the Eyes of a Child." I want to be that child, sitting at the feet of Jesus, listening to His wisdom. Deeply soaking in His grace. His mercy. His kindness. His SPIRIT. I just want to clearly see what, in all of this, does He find important? How can I make sense of this to sketch it out? What lessons does He want me to learn? How is He stretching and growing me? 

I will trust His timing. I have the next 7 days slated for prayer, fasting, and asking Him to guard my soul.

 God is sheer mercy and grace;

not easily angered, he’s rich in love.

He doesn’t endlessly nag and scold

nor hold grudges forever.

He doesn’t treat us as our sins deserve

nor pay us back in full for our wrongs.

As high as heaven is over the earth

so strong is his love to those who fear him.

And as far as sunrise is from sunset

he has separated us from our sins.

As parents feel for their children

God feels for those who fear him.

Psalm 103: 8-13

  

All Things New

Behold! He makes all things new!

The new year typically brings "new year's resolutions" that last a few days or, in some cases, maybe weeks-months before they fall by the way side and we find ourselves stuck in the same old ruts. We wake up on January 1 the following year with the same resolutions, rinse, and repeat. 

I am not a fan of new year's resolutions. I am a fan of making short and long term goals followed up with evaluating and re-evaluating throughout the year. (Not saying I am successful at this, just that I'm a fan of it!) This new year, my son preached a wonderful sermon at his church. It was an encouragement to do away from the pattern of annual resolutions that we most often break and, instead, focus on transforming our lives. You can watch it here if you like:  New Year, New Me?

Romans 12:2 ...do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.

Before we can transform anything, we must see it as it truly is. If we aim to transform ourselves, we must have access to an accurate reflection. There are many things that have the potential to obscure our reflection; way too many to discuss in one post. The one I have been drawn to consider is CHAOS. 

Several years ago, I set a goal to read through the whole Bible each year, a different translation each time. This year, I'm reading the NKJV (The YouVersion Bible App helps me stay on track!). In recent months, water has been a repetitive theme in studies, listening prayers, and discussions with Kingdom brothers and sisters. As I began my Bible reading for the year, that water theme jumped right out. Genesis 1:2 "The earth was without form, and void; and darkness was on the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters." 

The first matter to exist was a formless, empty(void), dark, deep glob: a glob of chaos. "Formless and void" are translated from Hebrew, 'tohu wa-bohu,' depicting a place of chaos, formless, emptiness, a wasteland" (Brown-Driver-Briggs Lexicon). It is hard to envision such a vast, unwieldy mass of chaos ("the deep").  Before God created any living creature, including mankind, He brought chaos into order, separating the waters and forming dry land. It was not until the flood that He released these waters (chaos) to destroy the earth. 

There are several references in Scripture relating to overwhelming, frightening, chaotic waters and God's power over them. Among them are: Genesis 6-9 (the flood), Psalm 124 God protecting his people), Mark 4:35-41/Luke 8:22-25 (Jesus calmed the storm), James 1:6-8 (lack of faith=tossed by the waves), and Revelation 21:1 Now I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away. Also there was no more sea." 

No more sea = NO MORE CHAOS

Somehow, this is the first time I've seen the connection here. John's vision emphasized there was no more chaos. When I saw the meme at the beginning of this post, I thought of this verse. The FIRST thing that must happen for anything to become new/for any transformation to occur: Remove the chaos. We are not capable of seeing an accurate reflection in the midst of mildly flowing water, let alone boiling, stormy water. 

My own chaos typically arises from time management failure and takes the form of busy-ness, struggling to say, 'no,' wild and wandering thoughts, anxiety, and excessive social media engagement. In my own strength, I am not capable of overcoming the chaos that defines my life. Thankfully, I don't have to tackle it alone! God said, "Be still (cease striving) and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!" Psalm 46:10 

Is He saying to just give up and stop trying? Of course not. Throughout this Psalm, He emphasizes that regardless what kind of chaos we're fretting about; 

HE is present. 

HE is in control. 

HE has power over it. 

HE is our refuge. 

The first step to a transformed self is to seek HIM. He is the calm, still, living water. Only in HIM do we find refuge and the solace to see ourselves clearly, confess our weaknesses, and let HIM lead us into newness. 

Behold! HE makes all things new!

My True Haven

 "But our citizenship is in heaven and we eagerly await a 

Savior from there, The Lord Jesus Christ." 

When I left my birth country to move overseas, I knew I was saying, "See you later," to my tiny inner circle (a handful of adults + 3 littles). What I did not know, however, was that I would never again tryly feel like I belong. Anywhere. With anyone. 

Naturally, since I live outside the country where I was born and grew up, I am an outsider. My instinctive world view is different. I look different. I talk different. I am learning, but still speak the new language at about a grade school level. Some days, piling my extreme introversion on top of being an outsider makes life's most basic activities feel like a daunting mountain of tasks. I often battle the urge to crank my AC, grab a coffee, and curl up in my fuzzy blanket with a good book. My own little haven of escape. 

I returned to my birth country briefly in the Summer of 2023 when my mom suddenly passed away. I can't honestly say I ever felt like I belonged there either, but after losing her that feeling became overbearingly intense. I often told her, "Home is wherever you are." A quick scan back through my life reinforces the consistent theme that I have never really belonged anywhere, with anyone. With one exception. From the time I was born, the longest I ever lived in a. home was 11 years, and that was the most recent years before I moved overseas. Incidentally, mom lived with me that entire time. That home felt like a haven.

I am currently preparing to return my birth country for a few months. While I am looking forward to seeing friends there, I am keenly aware that I will be as much of an outsider there as I am here. Perhaps even more so. People ask me, "Are you excited to go home?" I don't know how to respond to that. My internal response is, "Where, exactly, is home?" 

I have often said that my life with all its drama, trauma, and frequent moving + goodbyes was God's way of preparing me for this season. I recognize the truth in that now more than ever. The feeling of not having a true haven here keeps me from sinking my roots too deeply into this world's soil. 

Paul reminded us in Philippians 3:20 that "Our citizenship is in heaven." 

Jesus prayed in John 17 15-16, 18, "I do not pray that You should take them out of this world, but that you should keep them from the evil one. They are not of the world, just as I am not of the world. As you sent Me into the world, I have also sent them into the world." 

Again, Paul reminds us of Whose we are in Romans 1:5-6, "Through Him we have received grace and apostleship for obedience to the faith among all nations for His name, among whom you are also the called of Jesus Christ." 

God created me to belong. To his global body but, more importantly, to HIM. He created me with the desire...the urgency to belong. He also led me to and walked with me through circumstances that would refine me, building the grit and resilience required for each new season. 

My sovereign, gracious Father created me to be HIS. He knows every inch of me, every thought, every word, every move. He went before me, blesses me, and will come behind me (Psalm 139:1-5). 

I certainly do belong. Adopted as a precious daughter into his family, his kingdom. I belong to HIM. 

He is home. 

He is my True Haven.

Magnificent Maria and Lucky

 

Magnificent Maria

I have the privilege of taking a 6 week sabbatical over the holidays this year. Of that time, I chose to spend a couple weeks with the Lord in Thailand. A place where I don't speak the language, and I don't know anyone at all. It's perfect. 

I have been here 6 days now. Days full of prayer, rest in the Lord, exploration, and marveling at His incredible creation. I have been following along in my Advent devotionals, I've read 2 books (The Grieving Brain by Mary-Frances O'Conner, and The Wild Edge of Sorrow by Frances Weller), and I spent much of today looking at Jesus' ministry in the first 22 Chapters of Matthew...I will finish it tomorrow. 

Thus far, something I have noticed about myself is that I need time to settle into a place before I can manage to focus deeply on anything. Perhaps that is my personality, perhaps it is a flaw in the same. My purpose for this trip is to seek God and be released from the immensely strong grip of sorrow and grief. To lay it at His feet. I feel there is an expectation for me to be further along in the process. If I was just a stronger Christian, surely I would be making more "progress." The more I read about grief and loss, the more I realize how utterly ridiculous it is for people to expect that of me (or anyone else). 

I am also coming to a deep realization that I have put way too much weight on others' ideals and expectations of me. The only One whose expectations matter is Jesus and He calls me His masterpiece. He knows my heart, my struggle, my devotion to Him, my shortcomings--ALL of it, and He would never look at me with disappointed, patronizing eyes. He compassionately loves me just the way I am. 

My Lord is here, patiently waiting for me to lay it down. I am trying. Perhaps a bit too hard. I am almost...afraid? to let myself enter back into that deeply painful well of emotion, but I know that if I want to release it, I must first welcome its presence. It is part of me and will forever be. I just need to embrace the courage only God can grant me and let Him refine me through the pain. He will walk through it with me when I'm ready. I do feel an overwhelming peace that I know could only be from Him. He is patient. He is so, so good. 

One highlight of the week was meeting Maria, the magnificent creature in the photo above. I rode an elephant once at the zoo with my son when he was about 2, and I feel terrible about that now. These poor creatures are so mistreated and are not made to be ridden like that. I met Maria in an 'ethical sanctuary' where they rescue these amazing animals from abusive situations, like riding camps, the circus, zoos, and the like. I am happy they are in an ethical place, but still could feel their sadness--especially when we were walking with them in the jungle. They wanted to be free. The sanctuary staff made a sound that signaled them to "stay" or to go where they were told, and I could see the look in their eyes. They were reluctant to go back to being contained. 

Sadness. 

There were 4 elephants at this sanctuary. Maria was the biggest and had been there longest. There was Angie(56y/o) rescued 6 months ago, and Lucky(4y/o) rescued just 4 months ago. Lucky became an orphan when his mom died just 4 months ago (like me!). He liked to play and tumble, but the only elephant that likes him is Maria. The other 2 want nothing to do with him. So these two "strangers" have bonded. They look for each other and don't like being separated. They have found family in this sanctuary. I will be happy for the time they get to spend together, and pray that they are not ever mistreated again. 

 

Maria and Lucky in their happy place

Not a Particle of Strength

 This quote by George Müller, a great man of faith from the 1800s, resonated deeply with me. Likely due to the fact that I am that Christian who tries to carry my burdens. Somehow my pride convinces me that I can do it. I don't want to bother anyone else, so I will just "do it myself." 

DUH! 

It is only by the grace of God that I am even breathing! What on earth could I possibly do "myself?" Absolutely nothing. Just as the quote says, the more I try to carry on my own, the heavier each tiny little speck becomes. 

Jesus beckons us, "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." 

He wants to carry our burdens for us. He wants to give us rest. Not just a quick breather--but SOUL rest. 

Lord, may I trust You enough to lay every burden at your feet. May I never dishonor You by proclaiming to follow You whilst trying to carry my own burdens. I confess, Lord God, that I am weak and full of pride. I lay my pride down, Lord. I come humbly before You and surrender my...everything to You, Lord. May my life bring glory to Your name. Amen. 

Seeking Wisdom in Joseph's Story (4)

 Let's talk about that false accusation. (Genesis 39:19-20)

Actions have consequences, right?  Well, in this case, the innocent party suffered as one guilty while the one who spoke falsehood was left with nothing but her conscience to convict her. Joseph paid the consequences for her spiteful, fictitious accusation. It just feels wrong and backwards, doesn't it? Even knowing the end of the story is not much consolation for how the injustice of it feels. 

God is with Joseph and gives him the strength to maintain his integrity. Oh how hard would it have been to remain silent in the face of her lies and his resulting punishment and humiliation? How humble and full of faith he was. Scripture does not record a hint of retaliation on Joseph's part. Surely he was tempted to redeem his reputation and prove his innocence! Yet here he was, in Egypt, faced with her word against his. Naturally, Potiphar believed her and acted accordingly. Besides her and Joseph, God alone knew the truth. 

So Joseph patiently bears up first under his family's mistreatment, and now under this lying woman's accusations. His only satisfaction was God's favor and a clear conscience. 

Joseph could have tooted his own horn about his history of impeccable work ethic, loyalty, and leadership skills, but he remained quiet and humble. He knew that his value was in God alone, and he patiently waited for his Master's guidance. Joseph was a willing servant, ready to give God all the glory. 

Hebrews 12:1,2 Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin that so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 

Joseph is cited among that great cloud of witnesses. His integrity, humility, and powerful faith in this encounter alone is awe inspiring. Enduring hardship and persecution while maintaining godly character is challenging and often feels impossible. Jesus was the only One to ever do so perfectly. The path He lays for us may look daunting at times, but when God is with us, we can not fail. 

I look forward to digging in and discovering more in the next part of his story. 

Desperately Seeking...

 

Recently I saw this bouquet on a friend's coffee table. Initially, the bright colors drew me in. On close inspection, as you can see, it is made of something like legos. It's not real. From a distance, it looks as if it might genuinely be a freshly cut bouquet. The closer you get, the more clear it is that its flowers are artificial. 

That is what my world feels like since mom left this earth. I have been desperately seeking something real. Something solid I can hold onto. Yes, my faith is strong. Yes, I KNOW the Lord God is my Anchor and I am tethered to Him. That does not change the fact that I long for something. 

Of course, it makes sense that I just want my mom back. She was the one person who could listen to me think out loud, vent, verbally process my feelings--logic displaced or even absent--she could not have cared less. She was just there with open arms to listen. She patiently accepted me with all my flaws. She loved me agape-style. She told me every time we talked that she loved me and was proud of me. That I was "her person." 

And she was mine. 

"You don't know what you've got until it's gone" right? I did know though. I knew to my core what I had and I cherished it. I deeply cherished her while she was here. 

My encounters with people are...interesting. There is a clear expectation for me to function with the same level of logic, tolerance, and clear mindedness (None of which were top notch pre-loss, mind you). I should not, but I do attempt to communicate and function "normally" anyway. I fail. Essentially every time. 

I set boundaries, mainly to keep from subjecting others to my persistent grief state; my jumbled thoughts, emotions and M.I.A. ability to process. Then I fail to honor my own boundaries. Guess who would have just rolled with it? Who would never expect me to have a clear mind right now? Who would not tell me I have changed, I don't make any sense at all, I'm not joyful enough, I seem "down," I am illogical, I am ________________, or I am not____________? 

❤ MOM ❤

Do I expect special treatment? No. I suppose I am just desperately seeking a safe place...or person. Thus far, the nearest I've found is a Facebook group with hundreds of women who have lost their moms. I particularly recognize the ones whose relationships with their mom was as close as mine. They "get me." I could have written any of their thousands of posts. I could pour my heart out there, as many of those women do. They are real people, but I don't personally know them. I have yet to meet a "safe" person who understands. 

I will not downplay anyone's grief. Loss is brutal. I have experienced several profound losses (deaths) in my life-grandparents, relatives, dear friends....even my dad. I know grief is personal and excruciating in any case. However, nothing compares to this. Nothing. My grief counselor confirmed that people describe losing a same-sex parent as the deepest loss they've experienced. I was broken when I lost dad, but this has shattered me. 

It almost irritates me when people (especially women) who still have their moms expect me to be rationally processing life events. When people tell me I'm not making sense. Well guess what? Nothing makes sense right now! It has been 3 1/2 months since I lost my mother. My "Ride or Die." My best travel buddy. My first and best friend. 

My person. 

Remember that artificial bouquet? That is what my world looks like right now. A whole lot of words, packaged to (look) sound genuine, but if I drill down a bit--they are not. How can they be? People say they understand--and they may even believe it--but until they're in my shoes, they can not. It's simply impossible. 

One tidbit of advice from me after being just 3 1/2 months into the grief process: 

If you know someone who's lost their same sex parent, please do not expect them to be rational in their thoughts, speech, problem-solving ability, or anything else that requires a clear head. If you still have your parents, don't tell them you understand them. You do not. You can not. Regardless of how desperately you or they wish you could. 

It is lonely in this place. The only thing that holds me together is my relationship with Jesus. My Anchor...my Rock...my salvation...my hope. 

Lord Jesus, Bread of Life, I praise You with all that I am. Living Water, I feel parched. I need You to fill me. Pour Your Spirit into me until I am overflowing, Lord. Let my overflow bring Your name glory. I am nothing without You Lord. An empty shell, fragile and cracked. Fortify me with Your Sprit Lord. Make me like You. Precious Jesus, I surrender all to You. I am desperately seeking Your face. 

Eye of the Storm

In the eye of the storm, You remain in control
and in the middle of the war You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me in the eye of the storm.

When the solid ground is falling out from underneath my feet...
Between the black skies, and my red eyes, I can barely see.
When I'm feelin' like I've been let down by my friends and my family,
I can feel the rain reminding me...

(chorus) In the eye of the storm, You remain in control
and in the middle of the war You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me in the eye of the storm.

When my hopes and dreams are far from me and I'm runnin' out of faith
I see the future I picture slowly fade away
and when the tears and pain and heartache are pouring down my face,
I find my peace in Jesus' name...

(chorus)

When the test comes in and the doctor says I've only got a few months left,
it's like a bitter pill I'm swallowing, I can barely catch my breath.
And when addiction steals my baby girl and there's nothing I can do,
my only hope is to trust in You......I trust you, LORD

(chorus)

When the storm is raging, and my hope is gone,
When my flesh is failing, You're still holding on...

The Lord is my Shepherd, I have all that I need.
He lets me rest in green meadows.
He leads me beside peaceful streams.
He renews my strength.
He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to His Name.
Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid.
For You are close beside me...

Written by: Bryan Fowler & Ryan Stevenson

https://youtu.be/-sx8wTnnfSc