100 Days

Dearest Mom, 

In about an hour, it will be the 100th day since you went home to Jesus. You know, it's also Milton's birthday...and the day before Norvin's. We are just a family full of one-offs! 

Here, where I live, people have a big celebration on the 100th day after someone leaves the earth. The thought of celebrating turns my stomach. When I see other people doing all the "fun" things...it's almost irritating. It's not that I want anyone to suffer. It just feels like when you left, my joy disappeared and hasn't come back yet. It's hard mom. Sometimes the pain overwhelms every ounce of me. There is so much tension between being beyond happy for you because you're in the arms of Jesus, yet also feeling the deepest devastation of knowing that I won't have another earthly moment beside you. 

I know you are in Paradise. I know that you are whole and pain free. I know you are in His presence. 

I know that is a reason to celebrate, but....

How can I when I also know....

No more road trips...or travel of any type together. 

No more holding hands. 

No more 3am phone calls.

No more hugs. 

No more kisses. 

No more of your playful little pinches. 

No more playing games. 

No more sharing fresh coconuts. 

I will lament, mom. 

If He wakes me up again tomorrow, I will praise our faithful Father and ask Him to let me feel a bit of joy on your 100th day with Him. 

Oh mom, I miss you so. 

 

Fallen Countenance...and Calendars

 

 This is my perpetual calendar. My grandpa made it. He was very talented. He made beautiful calligraphy pieces, drafting type pieces, and all sorts of crafty things. 

 An interesting aversion I have developed since my mom died in August is one toward planners and calendars. I feel almost angry when I see them. (We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps!) When I returned to my host country after dealing with mom's affairs in early Sept, my calendars were still sitting on August as if nothing happened. I blacked out Aug 7th (the day she died) on all of them and did not change them over until I made it to October. Yay--I made it to October. 

Perhaps you noticed I used past tense when referring to my grandpa. That's because he died in 1994...on October 25th. That's 29 years ago today. What's interesting about this is that I have been carrying & using this calendar ever since. It's been through a LOT.   

Last night I was emotionally melting down as I have often done recently. I write letters to my mom because she's really the only person I can talk to. Perhaps she hears. Perhaps not. At any rate, I will write to her because it helps me feel....something. Last night in my letter, I mentioned that it was the anniversary of grandpa's death (her dad) and wondered if they were together. Are they in the same place. I was a brand new believer when he died and had not ever really thought about Heaven, Hell, or Paradise....so I didn't ever have the conversation with him. I hate to think of him not being in Paradise, but it's just a big unknown. 

I often ask Jesus to give me a sign that mom's with Him and that she's at peace. I feel deep in my soul that she is, but still it never hurts to ask Jesus for something, right. 

When I woke up this morning, my perpetual calendar was on the floor. It was hanging in a spot where it is virtually untouched except when it's time to switch months. The hanger is old, but is not worn at all. It was perfectly in one piece 3 weeks ago when I changed it to October and hung it back up. If it had been worn, the ware would have been in the top, middle of the hanger piece that rests on the nail it's hung from. As you can see in the photo, that is not the case. That is a clean cut in an awful strange spot. 

I'm not saying this was a sign, but I find it hugely coincidental that this happened on the anniversary of my grandpa's death, 2 1/2 months after my mom's death, in the middle of the night after I was asking if they are in the same place. I don't know what to make of it, but like I said yesterday, I don't believe in "coincidence."