All Things New

Behold! He makes all things new!

The new year typically brings "new year's resolutions" that last a few days or, in some cases, maybe weeks-months before they fall by the way side and we find ourselves stuck in the same old ruts. We wake up on January 1 the following year with the same resolutions, rinse, and repeat. 

I am not a fan of new year's resolutions. I am a fan of making short and long term goals followed up with evaluating and re-evaluating throughout the year. (Not saying I am successful at this, just that I'm a fan of it!) This new year, my son preached a wonderful sermon at his church. It was an encouragement to do away from the pattern of annual resolutions that we most often break and, instead, focus on transforming our lives. You can watch it here if you like:  New Year, New Me?

Romans 12:2 ...do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.

Before we can transform anything, we must see it as it truly is. If we aim to transform ourselves, we must have access to an accurate reflection. There are many things that have the potential to obscure our reflection; way too many to discuss in one post. The one I have been drawn to consider is CHAOS. 

Several years ago, I set a goal to read through the whole Bible each year, a different translation each time. This year, I'm reading the NKJV (The YouVersion Bible App helps me stay on track!). In recent months, water has been a repetitive theme in studies, listening prayers, and discussions with Kingdom brothers and sisters. As I began my Bible reading for the year, that water theme jumped right out. Genesis 1:2 "The earth was without form, and void; and darkness was on the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters." 

The first matter to exist was a formless, empty(void), dark, deep glob: a glob of chaos. "Formless and void" are translated from Hebrew, 'tohu wa-bohu,' depicting a place of chaos, formless, emptiness, a wasteland" (Brown-Driver-Briggs Lexicon). It is hard to envision such a vast, unwieldy mass of chaos ("the deep").  Before God created any living creature, including mankind, He brought chaos into order, separating the waters and forming dry land. It was not until the flood that He released these waters (chaos) to destroy the earth. 

There are several references in Scripture relating to overwhelming, frightening, chaotic waters and God's power over them. Among them are: Genesis 6-9 (the flood), Psalm 124 God protecting his people), Mark 4:35-41/Luke 8:22-25 (Jesus calmed the storm), James 1:6-8 (lack of faith=tossed by the waves), and Revelation 21:1 Now I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away. Also there was no more sea." 

No more sea = NO MORE CHAOS

Somehow, this is the first time I've seen the connection here. John's vision emphasized there was no more chaos. When I saw the meme at the beginning of this post, I thought of this verse. The FIRST thing that must happen for anything to become new/for any transformation to occur: Remove the chaos. We are not capable of seeing an accurate reflection in the midst of mildly flowing water, let alone boiling, stormy water. 

My own chaos typically arises from time management failure and takes the form of busy-ness, struggling to say, 'no,' wild and wandering thoughts, anxiety, and excessive social media engagement. In my own strength, I am not capable of overcoming the chaos that defines my life. Thankfully, I don't have to tackle it alone! God said, "Be still (cease striving) and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!" Psalm 46:10 

Is He saying to just give up and stop trying? Of course not. Throughout this Psalm, He emphasizes that regardless what kind of chaos we're fretting about; 

HE is present. 

HE is in control. 

HE has power over it. 

HE is our refuge. 

The first step to a transformed self is to seek HIM. He is the calm, still, living water. Only in HIM do we find refuge and the solace to see ourselves clearly, confess our weaknesses, and let HIM lead us into newness. 

Behold! HE makes all things new!

My True Haven

 "But our citizenship is in heaven and we eagerly await a 

Savior from there, The Lord Jesus Christ." 

When I left my birth country to move overseas, I knew I was saying, "See you later," to my tiny inner circle (a handful of adults + 3 littles). What I did not know, however, was that I would never again tryly feel like I belong. Anywhere. With anyone. 

Naturally, since I live outside the country where I was born and grew up, I am an outsider. My instinctive world view is different. I look different. I talk different. I am learning, but still speak the new language at about a grade school level. Some days, piling my extreme introversion on top of being an outsider makes life's most basic activities feel like a daunting mountain of tasks. I often battle the urge to crank my AC, grab a coffee, and curl up in my fuzzy blanket with a good book. My own little haven of escape. 

I returned to my birth country briefly in the Summer of 2023 when my mom suddenly passed away. I can't honestly say I ever felt like I belonged there either, but after losing her that feeling became overbearingly intense. I often told her, "Home is wherever you are." A quick scan back through my life reinforces the consistent theme that I have never really belonged anywhere, with anyone. With one exception. From the time I was born, the longest I ever lived in a. home was 11 years, and that was the most recent years before I moved overseas. Incidentally, mom lived with me that entire time. That home felt like a haven.

I am currently preparing to return my birth country for a few months. While I am looking forward to seeing friends there, I am keenly aware that I will be as much of an outsider there as I am here. Perhaps even more so. People ask me, "Are you excited to go home?" I don't know how to respond to that. My internal response is, "Where, exactly, is home?" 

I have often said that my life with all its drama, trauma, and frequent moving + goodbyes was God's way of preparing me for this season. I recognize the truth in that now more than ever. The feeling of not having a true haven here keeps me from sinking my roots too deeply into this world's soil. 

Paul reminded us in Philippians 3:20 that "Our citizenship is in heaven." 

Jesus prayed in John 17 15-16, 18, "I do not pray that You should take them out of this world, but that you should keep them from the evil one. They are not of the world, just as I am not of the world. As you sent Me into the world, I have also sent them into the world." 

Again, Paul reminds us of Whose we are in Romans 1:5-6, "Through Him we have received grace and apostleship for obedience to the faith among all nations for His name, among whom you are also the called of Jesus Christ." 

God created me to belong. To his global body but, more importantly, to HIM. He created me with the desire...the urgency to belong. He also led me to and walked with me through circumstances that would refine me, building the grit and resilience required for each new season. 

My sovereign, gracious Father created me to be HIS. He knows every inch of me, every thought, every word, every move. He went before me, blesses me, and will come behind me (Psalm 139:1-5). 

I certainly do belong. Adopted as a precious daughter into his family, his kingdom. I belong to HIM. 

He is home. 

He is my True Haven.

When it Hurts the Most

 I am seeing a trend where I only show up here when my cup full of emotions is overflowing and there is not a soul on earth I am willing to verbally process with. 

What does that say about me? 

My inner circle is very small....or perhaps non-existent.

Self preservation has led me to be extremely cautious about who I "let in." Through the years, occasionally I have let my guard down and invited someone inside. Inevitably their actions and/or inactions, words and/or silence, blatant and/or intentional lack of consideration rips me apart. My heart actually, physically aches. This has been my entire life's theme. 

Yet, in the center of my rough & tough exterior is a big wad of mushy, very intense feelings. Every perceived offense, intentioned or absentminded, leads me to want to strengthen that exterior until it's impermeable. 

Do I realize that is not healthy? Of course. 

Does that change my knee-jerk desire to do it? No. 

Does that knowledge decrease the amount of pain I feel? Not one bit. 

However, self-awareness is important. This is the first step to "taking every thought captive to obey Christ." As I have been striving to 'think about what I'm thinking about,' I realize that, at times, my thoughts and feelings are taking me captive instead. I am too swift to react rather than to contemplate and respond. This is particularly evident when I am feeling a lot. 

Among my unregulated, knee-jerk reactions: 1) complete silence, 2) biting sarcasm, 3) distancing from the perceived offender, and 4) over analyzing. In addition to the previously mentioned actual, physical heart pain, I often end up with an intractable migraine + vomiting.

In writing this, it strikes me that people who don't know me might have the impression that I am a wildly reactive, feeler. No. That is not accurate. In fact, those folks are the bane of my existence. At the very least, they are a great puzzle to me. Perhaps that is among the reasons I have endeavored to avoid becoming one. 

Which came first? Repetitive emotional trauma or a distaste for dramatic reactions to things I consider petty? Only God knows. 

To be continued....

The First Mother's Day

(Translation: Happy Mother's Day) 

Yes. Where I live, today is Mother's Day.

I was driving with a friend to a government office to get my car licensed on May 14th this year - Mother's Day in the U.S..  I said, "Today is Mother's day where I'm from!" She told me in this country there is no Father's day, but since Moms are so special, there is a Mother's day; it's December 21. I told her, "So that just means I get to celebrate my Mom twice a year!" 

I had no idea that would be the last time I'd ever get to tell my Mom how much I cherished her on a day made just for Moms. 

I've read that all the "firsts" are tough. That proved true when I was at Changi airport again. When I went back to Benan. When I passed the "Welcome to Batam" sign. When I crossed Barelang bridge again. Went back to Grand Mall. When I zombie-walked through Thanksgiving. When I joined friends for a "Thanksmas" celebration. My heart is still not ready to "celebrate" anything. 

So, today is another first without her. Mother's day here. In four days, it will be my first Christmas since she left this earth. Five years ago, she and I traveled to Cancun for Christmas. We had so, so much fun traveling together. She was my best travel buddy. The next trip we were planning together is coming up in January - just a couple weeks. I will have to take that trip without her; though she holds a huge space in my heart and I will always carry her with me. Obviously, it is not the same.

Me & Mom Cancun-4-Christmas 2018

Dearest Mom, 

Happy Mother's Day in Paradise! Oh how I wish I could video call you and see your beautiful face, hear your sweet voice, talk to Cleo while she ignores me, and tell you that I love you second most. My heart aches for you. 

What keeps me sane is knowing that our Lord is loving you so much better than I ever could. He truly does love you most, and He just couldn't wait another day to hold you in His loving arms. I will do my best to get through these holidays with some smiles. 

Oh how I miss you. 

Always ~ Ang