Finality

    

Two years ago today. 

I vividly remember taking these photos. I vividly remember the conversations that took place in the airport coffee shop just before snapping them. Mom and I held hands and cried. We had just come to the end of an incredible 12 days together. She had to leave, but neither of us wanted her to go. We vowed to remember that even if this was our last time to part ways, we would say, "see you later," because as members of God's kingdom, there are no permanent goodbyes. 

No finality. 

As I spend time here in my passport country, sorting through her clothes and belongings, there are times I forget the 'no finality' part. It just hurts. The wounds feel fresh. The grief is grueling. The photo reminder that it's just been 2 years since I was in her physical presence hit a little harder today. 

I pray that she never wondered, even for one second, whether I loved her. I pray she never questioned how much she meant to me. I pray that she never felt used, abused, or belittled by me. I pray there was never a day she felt afraid in my presence. I pray after her long life of feeling all of that regularly, that she felt a peace, a comfort, a 'home' with me. She said so, and I trust that it was genuine. 

Above all, there is great joy in knowing that she is now in the presence of pure love, pure truth, pure peace. There are moments when my longing for her feels so heavy I fear it will crush me, and it would if I did not give it to the Lord.  

Isaiah 53:4a "Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows..." 

Mom has joined that great cloud of witnesses (Hebrews 12:1), and though I don't see her with my eyes, she is still with me. (Half of my DNA is hers!) We will meet again in the new heaven and earth.

Revelation 21:4 "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, not pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." 

[This is true finality.] 

See you later, mom. I love you MOST.

Through the Eyes of a Child

Through the Eyes of a Child

Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” Matthew 19:14

In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus, Philippians 2:5

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Colossians 3:12

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3:13

When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. Proverbs 11:2

...to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and always to be gentle toward everyone. Titus 3:2

Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. Ephesians 4:3

Here I am in my passport country. I made it. I have been stateside 16 days now. To say the adjustment has been challenging is a vast understatement. My first couple days was very busy, which helped flip my body clock's sense of day and night. Everything (yes I mean EVERYTHING) feels like an assault to my senses. 

I was low-key interrogated in customs; it took over an hour to get through. The air is crisp and fresh--and COLD (I live on the equator). I hear one (no-accent) language being spoken, and I understand every word. I can read all the signs and billboards. I recognize roads, landmarks, places. So it should feel like "home," right? 

No. The price of a pizza here is equivalent to a monthly electric bill where I live--and that's IF I use the AC all day, every day. People here waste more food in one day than some families I know hope to eat in one week. There is a lot of traffic...but drivers show no courtesy, plus they are on the opposite [wrong] side of the road. I can go into a church, sit through the service, the "greet each other" time, and walk out afterward without a single person speaking to me. But aren't I happy to be "home?"     

No. I had my days roughly planned out to ensure I would spend plenty of time with my grandsons, while just resting and adjusting. My typical day to day involves a lot of online work, a lot of interacting in a different language, and with mainly adults. The only child I interact with regularly is just now beginning to say words. Spending time with my three, precious grands is so wonderful. However, my introvert is majorly overloaded. They talk a LOT. They talk FAST. They are speaking English, but sometimes I still have to strain to understand what they are saying. I know my "concentration" face appears to be a "mad" face, so I am trying to set aside any stress or lack of understanding that may be clouding my facial expression. It is hard work!

I have been staying in (what used to be) my mom's apartment. There is a scent that reminds me of her and our sweet fur baby, Cleopatra. That is all that is left of her there. Everything has been rearranged, changed, piled up in storage. She, and everything about her has been all but erased from the space. There's a poster-size photo of her from her memorial, some artwork she loved, and her ashes in a box on a shelf. No mom. No Cleo. No warmth. "Home?" 

No. I have observed my grandsons interactions with each other through the lens of seeing the world "as a child." Jesus said the Kingdom of Heaven belongs those who would be as children. The photos above show my youngest's quick sketch of me. What does he see? My head, glasses, hair, eyes, mouth, and necklace. Those are the parts he saw and considered important to draw. Does the sketch look like me? Actually, yes it does. I'm not sure it would pass as one to be used in a line-up, but yes!

Along with all of the above, I have had some extremely challenging emotions to process since I've been stateside. Here are just the major ones:  

1. Re-entry (regardless how brief it will be)

2. Grief (Mom's only been gone 1.5 years, she was my 'person,' and I'm sleeping in the [VERY much changed] space where she [AND our fur baby] lived and died.

3. My 4th day stateside, my Nanna died (Mom's mom).

4. My grands shared their virus with me, and I have been quite sick for 1/2 the time I've been here.

5. I exist here under the incredibly heavy expectation to be basically normal, healthy. 

I am barely over 2 weeks in. I have what feels like a LONG time to go. While I know that no place on earth will feel like home--especially since mom went to Jesus--I do have the privilege of spending the next week in a different place. I have felt more at home since I arrived in this house than during the entirety of my time stateside. The calm and peace is overwhelming. This will be an ideal location for my prayer/fasting time. He always provides!   

I want to see the most important things. I want to view this entire experience "Through the Eyes of a Child." I want to be that child, sitting at the feet of Jesus, listening to His wisdom. Deeply soaking in His grace. His mercy. His kindness. His SPIRIT. I just want to clearly see what, in all of this, does He find important? How can I make sense of this to sketch it out? What lessons does He want me to learn? How is He stretching and growing me? 

I will trust His timing. I have the next 7 days slated for prayer, fasting, and asking Him to guard my soul.

 God is sheer mercy and grace;

not easily angered, he’s rich in love.

He doesn’t endlessly nag and scold

nor hold grudges forever.

He doesn’t treat us as our sins deserve

nor pay us back in full for our wrongs.

As high as heaven is over the earth

so strong is his love to those who fear him.

And as far as sunrise is from sunset

he has separated us from our sins.

As parents feel for their children

God feels for those who fear him.

Psalm 103: 8-13

  

All Things New

Behold! He makes all things new!

The new year typically brings "new year's resolutions" that last a few days or, in some cases, maybe weeks-months before they fall by the way side and we find ourselves stuck in the same old ruts. We wake up on January 1 the following year with the same resolutions, rinse, and repeat. 

I am not a fan of new year's resolutions. I am a fan of making short and long term goals followed up with evaluating and re-evaluating throughout the year. (Not saying I am successful at this, just that I'm a fan of it!) This new year, my son preached a wonderful sermon at his church. It was an encouragement to do away from the pattern of annual resolutions that we most often break and, instead, focus on transforming our lives. You can watch it here if you like:  New Year, New Me?

Romans 12:2 ...do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.

Before we can transform anything, we must see it as it truly is. If we aim to transform ourselves, we must have access to an accurate reflection. There are many things that have the potential to obscure our reflection; way too many to discuss in one post. The one I have been drawn to consider is CHAOS. 

Several years ago, I set a goal to read through the whole Bible each year, a different translation each time. This year, I'm reading the NKJV (The YouVersion Bible App helps me stay on track!). In recent months, water has been a repetitive theme in studies, listening prayers, and discussions with Kingdom brothers and sisters. As I began my Bible reading for the year, that water theme jumped right out. Genesis 1:2 "The earth was without form, and void; and darkness was on the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters." 

The first matter to exist was a formless, empty(void), dark, deep glob: a glob of chaos. "Formless and void" are translated from Hebrew, 'tohu wa-bohu,' depicting a place of chaos, formless, emptiness, a wasteland" (Brown-Driver-Briggs Lexicon). It is hard to envision such a vast, unwieldy mass of chaos ("the deep").  Before God created any living creature, including mankind, He brought chaos into order, separating the waters and forming dry land. It was not until the flood that He released these waters (chaos) to destroy the earth. 

There are several references in Scripture relating to overwhelming, frightening, chaotic waters and God's power over them. Among them are: Genesis 6-9 (the flood), Psalm 124 God protecting his people), Mark 4:35-41/Luke 8:22-25 (Jesus calmed the storm), James 1:6-8 (lack of faith=tossed by the waves), and Revelation 21:1 Now I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away. Also there was no more sea." 

No more sea = NO MORE CHAOS

Somehow, this is the first time I've seen the connection here. John's vision emphasized there was no more chaos. When I saw the meme at the beginning of this post, I thought of this verse. The FIRST thing that must happen for anything to become new/for any transformation to occur: Remove the chaos. We are not capable of seeing an accurate reflection in the midst of mildly flowing water, let alone boiling, stormy water. 

My own chaos typically arises from time management failure and takes the form of busy-ness, struggling to say, 'no,' wild and wandering thoughts, anxiety, and excessive social media engagement. In my own strength, I am not capable of overcoming the chaos that defines my life. Thankfully, I don't have to tackle it alone! God said, "Be still (cease striving) and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!" Psalm 46:10 

Is He saying to just give up and stop trying? Of course not. Throughout this Psalm, He emphasizes that regardless what kind of chaos we're fretting about; 

HE is present. 

HE is in control. 

HE has power over it. 

HE is our refuge. 

The first step to a transformed self is to seek HIM. He is the calm, still, living water. Only in HIM do we find refuge and the solace to see ourselves clearly, confess our weaknesses, and let HIM lead us into newness. 

Behold! HE makes all things new!

My True Haven

 "But our citizenship is in heaven and we eagerly await a 

Savior from there, The Lord Jesus Christ." 

When I left my birth country to move overseas, I knew I was saying, "See you later," to my tiny inner circle (a handful of adults + 3 littles). What I did not know, however, was that I would never again tryly feel like I belong. Anywhere. With anyone. 

Naturally, since I live outside the country where I was born and grew up, I am an outsider. My instinctive world view is different. I look different. I talk different. I am learning, but still speak the new language at about a grade school level. Some days, piling my extreme introversion on top of being an outsider makes life's most basic activities feel like a daunting mountain of tasks. I often battle the urge to crank my AC, grab a coffee, and curl up in my fuzzy blanket with a good book. My own little haven of escape. 

I returned to my birth country briefly in the Summer of 2023 when my mom suddenly passed away. I can't honestly say I ever felt like I belonged there either, but after losing her that feeling became overbearingly intense. I often told her, "Home is wherever you are." A quick scan back through my life reinforces the consistent theme that I have never really belonged anywhere, with anyone. With one exception. From the time I was born, the longest I ever lived in a. home was 11 years, and that was the most recent years before I moved overseas. Incidentally, mom lived with me that entire time. That home felt like a haven.

I am currently preparing to return my birth country for a few months. While I am looking forward to seeing friends there, I am keenly aware that I will be as much of an outsider there as I am here. Perhaps even more so. People ask me, "Are you excited to go home?" I don't know how to respond to that. My internal response is, "Where, exactly, is home?" 

I have often said that my life with all its drama, trauma, and frequent moving + goodbyes was God's way of preparing me for this season. I recognize the truth in that now more than ever. The feeling of not having a true haven here keeps me from sinking my roots too deeply into this world's soil. 

Paul reminded us in Philippians 3:20 that "Our citizenship is in heaven." 

Jesus prayed in John 17 15-16, 18, "I do not pray that You should take them out of this world, but that you should keep them from the evil one. They are not of the world, just as I am not of the world. As you sent Me into the world, I have also sent them into the world." 

Again, Paul reminds us of Whose we are in Romans 1:5-6, "Through Him we have received grace and apostleship for obedience to the faith among all nations for His name, among whom you are also the called of Jesus Christ." 

God created me to belong. To his global body but, more importantly, to HIM. He created me with the desire...the urgency to belong. He also led me to and walked with me through circumstances that would refine me, building the grit and resilience required for each new season. 

My sovereign, gracious Father created me to be HIS. He knows every inch of me, every thought, every word, every move. He went before me, blesses me, and will come behind me (Psalm 139:1-5). 

I certainly do belong. Adopted as a precious daughter into his family, his kingdom. I belong to HIM. 

He is home. 

He is my True Haven.

When it Hurts the Most

 I am seeing a trend where I only show up here when my cup full of emotions is overflowing and there is not a soul on earth I am willing to verbally process with. 

What does that say about me? 

My inner circle is very small....or perhaps non-existent.

Self preservation has led me to be extremely cautious about who I "let in." Through the years, occasionally I have let my guard down and invited someone inside. Inevitably their actions and/or inactions, words and/or silence, blatant and/or intentional lack of consideration rips me apart. My heart actually, physically aches. This has been my entire life's theme. 

Yet, in the center of my rough & tough exterior is a big wad of mushy, very intense feelings. Every perceived offense, intentioned or absentminded, leads me to want to strengthen that exterior until it's impermeable. 

Do I realize that is not healthy? Of course. 

Does that change my knee-jerk desire to do it? No. 

Does that knowledge decrease the amount of pain I feel? Not one bit. 

However, self-awareness is important. This is the first step to "taking every thought captive to obey Christ." As I have been striving to 'think about what I'm thinking about,' I realize that, at times, my thoughts and feelings are taking me captive instead. I am too swift to react rather than to contemplate and respond. This is particularly evident when I am feeling a lot. 

Among my unregulated, knee-jerk reactions: 1) complete silence, 2) biting sarcasm, 3) distancing from the perceived offender, and 4) over analyzing. In addition to the previously mentioned actual, physical heart pain, I often end up with an intractable migraine + vomiting.

In writing this, it strikes me that people who don't know me might have the impression that I am a wildly reactive, feeler. No. That is not accurate. In fact, those folks are the bane of my existence. At the very least, they are a great puzzle to me. Perhaps that is among the reasons I have endeavored to avoid becoming one. 

Which came first? Repetitive emotional trauma or a distaste for dramatic reactions to things I consider petty? Only God knows. 

To be continued....

The First Mother's Day

(Translation: Happy Mother's Day) 

Yes. Where I live, today is Mother's Day.

I was driving with a friend to a government office to get my car licensed on May 14th this year - Mother's Day in the U.S..  I said, "Today is Mother's day where I'm from!" She told me in this country there is no Father's day, but since Moms are so special, there is a Mother's day; it's December 21. I told her, "So that just means I get to celebrate my Mom twice a year!" 

I had no idea that would be the last time I'd ever get to tell my Mom how much I cherished her on a day made just for Moms. 

I've read that all the "firsts" are tough. That proved true when I was at Changi airport again. When I went back to Benan. When I passed the "Welcome to Batam" sign. When I crossed Barelang bridge again. Went back to Grand Mall. When I zombie-walked through Thanksgiving. When I joined friends for a "Thanksmas" celebration. My heart is still not ready to "celebrate" anything. 

So, today is another first without her. Mother's day here. In four days, it will be my first Christmas since she left this earth. Five years ago, she and I traveled to Cancun for Christmas. We had so, so much fun traveling together. She was my best travel buddy. The next trip we were planning together is coming up in January - just a couple weeks. I will have to take that trip without her; though she holds a huge space in my heart and I will always carry her with me. Obviously, it is not the same.

Me & Mom Cancun-4-Christmas 2018

Dearest Mom, 

Happy Mother's Day in Paradise! Oh how I wish I could video call you and see your beautiful face, hear your sweet voice, talk to Cleo while she ignores me, and tell you that I love you second most. My heart aches for you. 

What keeps me sane is knowing that our Lord is loving you so much better than I ever could. He truly does love you most, and He just couldn't wait another day to hold you in His loving arms. I will do my best to get through these holidays with some smiles. 

Oh how I miss you. 

Always ~ Ang 

Magnificent Maria and Lucky

 

Magnificent Maria

I have the privilege of taking a 6 week sabbatical over the holidays this year. Of that time, I chose to spend a couple weeks with the Lord in Thailand. A place where I don't speak the language, and I don't know anyone at all. It's perfect. 

I have been here 6 days now. Days full of prayer, rest in the Lord, exploration, and marveling at His incredible creation. I have been following along in my Advent devotionals, I've read 2 books (The Grieving Brain by Mary-Frances O'Conner, and The Wild Edge of Sorrow by Frances Weller), and I spent much of today looking at Jesus' ministry in the first 22 Chapters of Matthew...I will finish it tomorrow. 

Thus far, something I have noticed about myself is that I need time to settle into a place before I can manage to focus deeply on anything. Perhaps that is my personality, perhaps it is a flaw in the same. My purpose for this trip is to seek God and be released from the immensely strong grip of sorrow and grief. To lay it at His feet. I feel there is an expectation for me to be further along in the process. If I was just a stronger Christian, surely I would be making more "progress." The more I read about grief and loss, the more I realize how utterly ridiculous it is for people to expect that of me (or anyone else). 

I am also coming to a deep realization that I have put way too much weight on others' ideals and expectations of me. The only One whose expectations matter is Jesus and He calls me His masterpiece. He knows my heart, my struggle, my devotion to Him, my shortcomings--ALL of it, and He would never look at me with disappointed, patronizing eyes. He compassionately loves me just the way I am. 

My Lord is here, patiently waiting for me to lay it down. I am trying. Perhaps a bit too hard. I am almost...afraid? to let myself enter back into that deeply painful well of emotion, but I know that if I want to release it, I must first welcome its presence. It is part of me and will forever be. I just need to embrace the courage only God can grant me and let Him refine me through the pain. He will walk through it with me when I'm ready. I do feel an overwhelming peace that I know could only be from Him. He is patient. He is so, so good. 

One highlight of the week was meeting Maria, the magnificent creature in the photo above. I rode an elephant once at the zoo with my son when he was about 2, and I feel terrible about that now. These poor creatures are so mistreated and are not made to be ridden like that. I met Maria in an 'ethical sanctuary' where they rescue these amazing animals from abusive situations, like riding camps, the circus, zoos, and the like. I am happy they are in an ethical place, but still could feel their sadness--especially when we were walking with them in the jungle. They wanted to be free. The sanctuary staff made a sound that signaled them to "stay" or to go where they were told, and I could see the look in their eyes. They were reluctant to go back to being contained. 

Sadness. 

There were 4 elephants at this sanctuary. Maria was the biggest and had been there longest. There was Angie(56y/o) rescued 6 months ago, and Lucky(4y/o) rescued just 4 months ago. Lucky became an orphan when his mom died just 4 months ago (like me!). He liked to play and tumble, but the only elephant that likes him is Maria. The other 2 want nothing to do with him. So these two "strangers" have bonded. They look for each other and don't like being separated. They have found family in this sanctuary. I will be happy for the time they get to spend together, and pray that they are not ever mistreated again. 

 

Maria and Lucky in their happy place

On This Day 15 Years Ago

On This Day 15 years ago...

I knew I had made quite a detailed post about the things I was feeling the day I got that dreadful call about my Dad. So here I am today, just 127 days after the Lord took my Mom. 

I anticipated this anniversary date would be extra challenging, and it has definitely begun that way. I booked a 2-week sabbatical to deeply grieve my new status as an orphan. It doesn't matter how old you are when you become an orphan, if your parents are gone--you are an orphan and you feel it. God took Dad 2 weeks before Christmas, and he took Mom the day after my birthday. I won't pretend to understand His timing, but I do trust that it is perfect, and He is sovereign. 

Mom was there and helped me through the initial couple weeks, then a few years later she moved in with me for 11 years. Kory was by my side throughout the first year before he went off to college/marriage. 

This go around, I'm in a foreign country, alone. 

Perhaps soon, I will also be able to write about Mom...but for now, on this 15th anniversary of my first gut wrenching loss, I will just re-post my detailed description here. Those old wounds have opened up again. 

A Phone Call

Today is the 2nd (now 15th) anniversary of the day I received the most life changing news I'd ever received. One days before one of the most painful and worst days of my life. I'm at work and the phone rings....

Linda (crying): "Ang, I've got something to tell you, and it's not good news honey."

Me (mind racing): "What is it? Tell me!"

Linda: "It's your Dad honey...something happened..."

Me: "No! No it can't be...is he okay?"

Linda: "I'm afraid not honey, he's had a stroke...a bleed in his head and it's bad Ang, really bad. They don't think he can pull through."

Me: "I.....I.....don't know what to say. I'll be there as quickly as I can."

 A Frenzy

I'm immediately on the phone. I call the airlines and book a flight for me and Kory for noon that day. I tell my boss I'm going to have to go. I'm crying so hard I can't call Randy (my husband at the time) to come pick me up so my boss calls him for me.

A Trip

The next week is like a surreal dream. One I wish I could wake up from, but never did. Kory left school, I left work...we packed in a frenzy & were driven to the airport by a resentful man (because of the $ spent on the plane tickets) and we were on our way. A full day of flying. 6 hours of actual air time. It was so difficult to be 'social' with the happy people around me while my insides were screaming "Wipe the smile off your faces! Don't you understand?!?!" I ordered a glass of wine on the plane, hoping that it would calm my nerves just a bit. FAIL What can calm you at a time like this? When we arrived in Spokane, Mom picked us up from the airport (alone, thankfully...story for another day) and drove us straight to the ICU at Sacred Heart where Dad and the rest of the family was.

A Realization

I can not describe to this day the flood of emotions I felt when I saw him laying there in his hospital bed. Ventilator breathing for him. EKG leads hooked up to his chest. As an ICU nurse, this should have been at least a tiny bit manageable, right? WRONG. My knees buckled & Mom & Kory were there for me to grab for support. I thought, "Maybe if I walk over and touch his hand, he will respond somehow. There will surely be something left there.....surely" Once I composed myself and felt that my legs would actually hold me up to walk over to him...I went, slowly. I stood next to him and stared. I pulled up an eyelid to see if there was any hint of life in that beautiful blue eye. Nothing. It was as glazed over and empty as the hundreds I'd seen up until this point. I knew it was over for him. Had been over for him well before I arrived. They were gracious enough to keep the 'life support' going until I could be there to watch his few, remaining, involuntary system functions shut down. It didn't take but just a few minutes for me to start barking demands. "Turn it OFF!! Unplug it! He's gone, can't you see that? PLEASE! Get it off of him!" Immediately as they turned the ventilator off, my anger kicked in. The nurses didn't know what to do with me as I was ripping the monitor leads off his chest & fingers, pulling out the IVs. It was mere moments after they turned the machines off before I felt his heart stop beating. His body never tried to take another breath. He was really gone. My hero, my apostle Paul, my Dad was really gone.

A Fog

The next few days were a series of making arrangements for the funeral, his attire for the casket, who would ride with whom, what time to meet for this and that, the post funeral gathering where you 'make nice' with all the people who are there to pay condolences, blah blah blah. It was a fog. I walked through a faith shaking fog of despair and disbelief. I made attempts to socialize with my step sisters & step Mom (Linda), my Mom and her husband, my Nana...and anyone else who was present at the time, but I was in such a state I'm not sure I can describe or even understand myself the way I felt. Unsocial is an understatement. I did not want to talk to anyone about anything. I wanted Kory in the room with me, and nothing else. I tried to lean on Mom, and she tried (but was prevented by her ever so needy husband), to console me at one point after we left the hospital on that dreadful day. (It was then that I had to leave Mom and go stay at Nana's house until after the funeral because I was in no position to properly deal with this man.) Nana is a quiet woman, and she has been around the block, so she was very sensitive to me and my need to be silent. The way I was able to sleep was by drinking wine until I absolutely could not stay upright any longer, and even then the sleep was short lived. Yeah, there was a tear in my (beer) wine. Not the best way to deal with a crisis, but it's what I did.

A Gift 

For me, honestly, the best thing about the entire experience was the fact that I had an unbelieveably mature son by my side every second of the day who helped me hold myself together. I'm sure I would have made it through somehow, but he lightened my load so much just by being himself and simply being present. A true gift from God.

**Side note regarding this: Kory has not ever been one who can handle people being too touchy feely with him. He gives a quick hug, kiss on the cheek or forehead, but don't expect any cuddling or holding hands, etc. It's just not in his personality.

The entire trip, Kory was right next to me. It was almost as if he was trying to protect me from my feelings and the horror of the entire thing. He sat next to me with his hand on my shoulder. He let me hold on to him when I just couldn't take it anymore and I was breaking down. He didn't leave the room I was in except for bathroom breaks. He encouraged me to hang up the phone when my ex was hounding me about the cost of this trip. He was my sounding board. He let me sleep next to him on the queen sized hide-a-bed at Nana's house and he forfeited the double bed at Mom's house to sleep in the recliner next to Mom's couch, where I slept. He simply was my rock. He was just 17 years old, and he was my stronghold. He is so much like my Dad, that I guess I should have expected it, and many times I know I've taken him for granted, but he proved to me in this experience the stellar young man he was, and he continues to do so even today.

A Funeral

The day of the funeral (December 17th, 2008) was the day the snow began. Not just a little snow...a blizzard. While in Spokane, I was afforded the privelage of driving my Dad's Dodge Ram. I'm not a Dodge fan, but it was perfect for the task of maneuvering through the snow packed city. In the back window of Dad's truck in huge letters it said, "If you were tried in court today for being a Christian, would there be enough evidence to convict you?" Yes, my apostle Paul. I need not go into the background of Phillip Eugene Queen to explain the fact that his existence on earth truly parallelled Paul's. At the funeral, we (my step sisters and myself) were given the opportunity to give a eulogy on Dad's behalf. My step-sister, Amy got up first and she read a passage from the Bible....the very same passage I had intended to read.

2 Timothy 2

1. I charge thee therefore before God, and the Lord Jesus Christ, who shall judge the quick and the dead at his appearing and his kingdom;

2. Preach the work; be instant in season, out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort with all long suffering and doctrine. 

3. For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but after their own lusts shall they heap to themselves teachers, having itching ears; 

4. and they shall turn away their ears fro the truth and shall be turned into fables. 

5 But watch thou in all things, endure afflictions, do the work of an evangelist, make full proof of thy ministry.

6 For I am now ready to be offered, and the time of my departure is at hand. 

7 I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith:

8 Henceforth there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, shall give me at that day: and not to me only, but unto all them also that love his appearing.

Amazing how two people who knew Dad in different ways would choose the exact same passage out of the Bible for his eulogy. It says much about the man he had grown to become. The man he was. The man I loved. My Dad.

A New Day 

After the funeral, Kory and I spent a couple days with Linda. We tried to console Larry (Dad's companion and devout Phil Queen fan, an African Grey Parrot.) Larry actually sat on my leg and puffed himself up to snooze...Linda said this was something Larry only did with Dad, and since that horrible day, he would not even do that with her. Larry sensed the connection. We helped shovel the snow that continued to fall throughout the next several days. We decided that he died exactly when he did just to get out of having to shovel. :) I know that Dad never would have actually done that, but it was a bit of much needed comic relief after a very grueling several days. Since the airports were closed due to the blizzard, we spent a couple days at Mom's after it was all over. We went sledding down the hill behind Mom's house, we went to 49 Degrees North and went skiing. We made the most out of the rest of the visit. Kory was literally waist deep in snow out in 9 mile where Mom lived at the time. It snowed ALOT! I love snow and had not seen any real snow for years (being stuck in Arkansas) so it was a blessing from God to give me something I truly loved to go along with the worst experience of my life.

A Thought

I know I'm not the only person to ever lose someone so close to me. I don't think there is really an 'appropriate' way to act or feel when it happens to you. I'm sure that things could have been done differently...(yes, it's me, the WAY over-analyzer) but we made it through. Yes, it's been 2 years now. I don't know when or if this pain will go away, but it is strong and steady still today. There's not a day that goes by in which I don't think about him. I will pick up my phone (in which his contact name & number remains...I can't delete it) sometimes and want to call and tell him something extraordinary, or pick his brain about a Biblical topic...I have to believe that somehow he still helps me out in whatever way a spirit can help us here...and I have to believe that he's in Christ's bosom, comforted.

I miss you every day Dad.

I know we'll see each other again on the other side!



Not a Particle of Strength

 This quote by George Müller, a great man of faith from the 1800s, resonated deeply with me. Likely due to the fact that I am that Christian who tries to carry my burdens. Somehow my pride convinces me that I can do it. I don't want to bother anyone else, so I will just "do it myself." 

DUH! 

It is only by the grace of God that I am even breathing! What on earth could I possibly do "myself?" Absolutely nothing. Just as the quote says, the more I try to carry on my own, the heavier each tiny little speck becomes. 

Jesus beckons us, "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." 

He wants to carry our burdens for us. He wants to give us rest. Not just a quick breather--but SOUL rest. 

Lord, may I trust You enough to lay every burden at your feet. May I never dishonor You by proclaiming to follow You whilst trying to carry my own burdens. I confess, Lord God, that I am weak and full of pride. I lay my pride down, Lord. I come humbly before You and surrender my...everything to You, Lord. May my life bring glory to Your name. Amen. 

Seeking Wisdom in Joseph's Story (4)

 Let's talk about that false accusation. (Genesis 39:19-20)

Actions have consequences, right?  Well, in this case, the innocent party suffered as one guilty while the one who spoke falsehood was left with nothing but her conscience to convict her. Joseph paid the consequences for her spiteful, fictitious accusation. It just feels wrong and backwards, doesn't it? Even knowing the end of the story is not much consolation for how the injustice of it feels. 

God is with Joseph and gives him the strength to maintain his integrity. Oh how hard would it have been to remain silent in the face of her lies and his resulting punishment and humiliation? How humble and full of faith he was. Scripture does not record a hint of retaliation on Joseph's part. Surely he was tempted to redeem his reputation and prove his innocence! Yet here he was, in Egypt, faced with her word against his. Naturally, Potiphar believed her and acted accordingly. Besides her and Joseph, God alone knew the truth. 

So Joseph patiently bears up first under his family's mistreatment, and now under this lying woman's accusations. His only satisfaction was God's favor and a clear conscience. 

Joseph could have tooted his own horn about his history of impeccable work ethic, loyalty, and leadership skills, but he remained quiet and humble. He knew that his value was in God alone, and he patiently waited for his Master's guidance. Joseph was a willing servant, ready to give God all the glory. 

Hebrews 12:1,2 Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin that so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 

Joseph is cited among that great cloud of witnesses. His integrity, humility, and powerful faith in this encounter alone is awe inspiring. Enduring hardship and persecution while maintaining godly character is challenging and often feels impossible. Jesus was the only One to ever do so perfectly. The path He lays for us may look daunting at times, but when God is with us, we can not fail. 

I look forward to digging in and discovering more in the next part of his story. 

Seeking Wisdom in Joseph's Story (3)

Remember from last time that Joseph, the beloved son of Jacob, has just been betrayed by his own brothers and sold into slavery. He was purchased by Potiphar, the (Egyptian) captain of Pharaoh's guard.

Joseph's story continues in Genesis chapter 39. His life situation had just changed drastically. He went from being 'spoiled' as his father's favorite to being thrown away like trash by his own brothers. There must have been at least a brief period of fear and uncertainty for Joseph, right? Scripture doesn't specify. Whatever his feelings were, however, he proved to be virtuous and prudent from the very start.

"The Lord was with Joseph, so he became a successful man, and he was in the house of his master, the Egyptian." Genesis 39:2

God was with him! He maintained virtuous character regardless of what his own family had done to him. The Lord gave him success in everything he did. Joseph's work ethic was so good that Potiphar put him in charge of his house and all he owned! Indirectly, Potiphar reaped benefit through God's favor on Joseph. 

Potiphar's wife soon begins to lust after and pursues Joseph, begging him to sleep with her. He refuses, stating in verse 9, "...How then could I do this great evil and sin against God?"  It would have been easy enough, considering he had charge over the place but, again, he maintained his character and said no. So one day she catches Joseph alone. He still says no, even runs! She is angry and spiteful, and falsely accuses him so he is thrown into prison. 

Another drastic life change. What a rollercoaster! 

Thoughts for personal reflection: 

1. Psalm 37:23, "The steps of a man are established by the Lord and He delights in his way." Proverbs 16;9 The mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps. 

Sometimes I think God must chuckle at how "in control" we think we are of our life. We can make all kinds of plans, but ultimately it is God who lays the path. 

2. Joseph suffered great losses! His life as favorite son in the palace, his favored position of watching over his brothers, his family--especially Jacob,  his position of authority in Potiphar's house. Yet in the face of each major loss, he persisted with virtue and prudence. God was with him! 

3. Gen 39:2 "God was with him so he was a successful man." We need to realize that if we are prospering in life, work, etc, it is only because our Lord is with us. It is Him who causes us to succeed. Regardless what people do to try to derail us--even our own family--if God is with us, we can not fail. God may even use us to bless others. (The world was blessed through Abraham! "...I will bless you, and make your name great; and so you shall be a blessing." Genesis 12:2)  

We are blessed to be a blessing! 

4. Sometimes we have to get radical to avoid sin! I can't say with certainty whether I could run outside naked to flee a situation like the one Joseph was in. Especially if I was in such a position of power. That took a lot of grit and fortitude! Integrity is doing what's right, even when nobody is looking, right? Joseph knew God was present. His love for, and desire to serve God outweighed everything else! I aspire to that kind of faith and dedication to my Almighty!!